This isn’t really a proper post, my mams just brought my attention to something that I thought I’d share. To understand it and its relevance, you need to know a bit more about my mother:

My mam doesn’t work for a living. In fact in the past month she hasn’t left the house, shes spent most of her time in the bedroom and hasn’t even gone downstairs much. Under normal circumstances, and to most other people, my mam is a lazy bitch

Truth is my mam is disabled, its taken me a long time to actually come to terms with it and truly believe she is, hell its taken her a long time to come to terms with it herself let alone me. Its not a normal illness, its not something you can clearly see she has, not until its causing her so much pain and discomfort that she can’t do anything and literally looks grey. I don’t really know what my mam actually suffers from, I’ve listened to her for so long going on about various things she thinks it was, various things the doctors have thought its been and turned out to be something else. I’ve had to try to learn so many conditions, disorders, ailments and the like that they all blend into one. All I see is the product of what they’re doing to my mam. I think at the minute, we’re settled on Fibromyalgia. That seems to sum everything up sufficiently

All I know is that when she has one of these flare ups, she just drops. She becomes a different person, she can’t do anything. To be honest, I’ve ignored it before now. As a child (it seems odd to say I’m a child given my age, but I’m still the child of my mam at the end of it) to see your mother suddenly become incapable of doing anything, it just doesn’t compute. In fact the only way it clicked with me was I went to my grandas for a cousins birthday and I was kicking balloons around as one does and my granda was jerking about everywhere batting it back and kicking it around. Yet back at home was my mam – unable to even attend due to her illness – who, had she tried to do the same thing, would be crying at the pain she was under. To see your own mother become less capable than your own grandad is something I hope many people don’t have to go through, its not nice. I went home and everything just fell into place

I’m not a bad child, I’m not a dickhead. But I’m still ashamed of how I’ve been in regards to caring for my mam when she needed me. If only I’d made the effort other times then maybe this time would have been easier. Only now am I doing what I should be doing, but it shouldn’t have taken me so long to get round to doing it

There, thats my self confession done with. I don’t even care if people read that part, thats just for me. I feel better for having it wrote in front of me

So the part I really want people to pay attention to, I’d like to think everyone will read this page entitled “The Spoon Theory” just to get an idea of what its like to be in my mothers and indeed many many other peoples shoes when it comes to some debilitating illnesses. I can’t think of a better way to phrase exactly what its like. If it comes recommended by so many people then it must be worth something

On another note my cat suffers from dementia, she gets lost whenever she turns her back pretty much. Shes sitting at the bottom of the stairs currently yelling because shes panicking, in a minute she’ll suddenly remember and come trotting up like nothings happened. Its pretty much on an hourly basis. The unfortunate thing is, I don’t know how I’d live without both of them My cat knows all my deepest darkest secrets and has been there through every girlfriend I’ve ever had. She knows it all. If she ever learns to speak I’ll be fucking devastated :E

Oh and I can’t draw spoons

Just a bit of an update on the previous blog post really, though I thought it was substantial enough to deserve a new post

Lorelle accepted my bebo request and I’ve now got her back on MSN. Shes currently working at the same bank but in a different position (teehee) now, shes moved flats but still lives in London and is currently seeing some chap with large hair called Marcus in Gothenburg, Sweden He thinks I’m stalking his missus, which essentially I have done lol. So if your ever on here Marcus, sorry old chap. But your safe (Y)

I’ve also got back in touch with Shelly May, Lorelle gave me her mobile number. Well I say gave me it, she gave me 10 digits of it and I had to wait till she was next online to get the one she missed out. She didn’t move to America, she was over there for 3 months, shes currently still living in Camberley but moved out with a friend. Shes working in a recruitment agency, cracking the whip – keeping in line various folk

Shelly May also mentioned another person I used to talk to, albeit nowhere near as much. Ele ^_^ (reminds me of Pocoyo) Ele and I (Check out my correct English, thats worth one more mark in an English GCSE) talked on occasions, but mainly when she was around at Shelly May’s or around when I rang. I remember one time when her and Shelly were arsing around on a sofa at one of their houses and then as I was talking to them they went walking somewhere. Ele had to be somewhere and Shelly was escorting her. Funnily enough Shelly remembers this too Apparently shes got a child now, its crazy. They don’t talk as much now though, tis a shame

So all in all its went rather well ^_^ Both of them wanted to talk to me and don’t hate my guts for some reason. Its right cheered me up actually, reminiscing and finding out whats happened since all those years ago. I know what people must feel like at school reunions now

Still no word on the flat, I’m going to go into town and see if I can just pay the money and sign my bit for it and then just wait for the keys. In other news as well, I’ve been washing the dishes and pegging out the washing, finding both to be quite enjoyable with the sunny weather we’re currently experiencing here in Cumbria

Just seen some pictures of the Big Brother house this year too and found this, how gutted am I that I never got through now Think my rubber chickens around here somewhere come to think of it. Yes that is a picture of me cramming a rubber chicken in my pants, I got the idea for the picture and thought it was too stupid not to finish off

I’ve had access to the internet for a few years now, about 5 or 6 I think. I’ve known quite a few people through it and still do, I even go visiting them from time to time Some people I’ve known a long time, others I haven’t, a lot of people I’ve lost touch with. Some were freaks, some just didn’t come on MSN when I couldn’t afford to keep texting them with not being on contract, some I’ve no idea how or why we lost touch

About 2 or 3 months ago I set out on a mission to trace some people I’d lost touch with and never really should have. 2 people specifically, whose pictures adorn my wall alongside all the others. For they were the first people I ever met off the internet and probably my first ever real friends I made over it. I met Shelly May back in the Audiogalaxy days when she used to bum New Found Glory and I was going through my “the world hates me” stage. Lorelle was her cousin who had just moved from South Africa to London and we’d got talking somehow, in fact I think we mainly talked after we met

My dad had taken me all the way down to Surrey (Quite a trek from Cumbria back then (I was only about 16, 17 maybe (Ooo sub bracketation ))) while my brothers and he went to Diggerland. I remember standing around at the train station for ages thinking Shelly wasn’t going to turn up, eventually ringing her phone to be answered by her gruff sounding brother Joed. They were late so I went with my dad for some munch at a shopping center before setting off back to the station to meet her. Half way back up the road I suddenly got acosted by this person from a passing car which turned out to be Shelly to my suprise

We went into a coffee shop to wait for Lorelle, well actually we waited outside for Lorelle then went inside when she arrived. They both knew the coffee shop man. I don’t know why I remember that. Anyhow, we ordered our coffees and I got a packet of crisps and began the collection now adorning my wall. Salty Dog, sea salt and black pepper. Only recently have I found them again, in fact that might be what started this obsession with trying to find these 2 again. We went into a field somewhere after that, sat down in probably the wettest bit and took pictures of us all. I remember joking about a bouncy castle behind Lorelle for some reason, lord knows

Then, that day I made a choice that as far back as I remember I was told never to make. I got in a strangers car and let them drive me somewhere. There may even have been sweets involved. Not just anywhere though, out of town to Deepcut Barracks none the less. Maybe wasn’t the wisest thing to do but I wouldn’t have gotten to see either of them much if I hadn’t. To cut a long story short, I took one of Lorelle’s co-workers dogs for a walk with Shelly and nearly killed the poor thing because I couldn’t pull it away from some chicken bones it was munching down on

Writing this reminds me how good of a memory I have for some things, I remember the view onto the train station, the coffee shop, the pattern of the bricks on the streets, Shelly laughing at me failing to control a dog, the music shop we went into (Speaking of which, I’ve been able to find the shop, I’m fair impressed with myself). It also reminds me that it must have been shortly after that I lost contact with Shelly and then about a year later Lorelle after she moved into London and very rarely went on the net. Last I knew she was working in a bank in the middle of London somewhere and I was emailing her back when I was an IT Techie, wonder if I’ve still got my account on their system. Bah they’ve changed their system

A quick google search took me to 2 websites, a travellers one and bebo. The travellers one was a dead end after I’d signed up to use it, Shelly doesn’t use it anymore apparently. Gutted. Bebo turned out to be Joed’s, and Shelly’s account had been deleted. Although in a recent google search Lorelle has appeared on there, posting but 2 weeks ago. Which means, if she can remember the name Benny, she’ll accept my friends request and I can get back in touch and hopefully signing up for something else won’t be in vain Also a quick snoop through Joed’s pictures reveals an album of pictures from a meal Shelly and everyone had before she went to America. I smiled, she’d long talked about wanting to go over to America and live there, fair play to her she did it. I take my hat off to her, shes done better then I did with myself

I write this, pretty much just to document the fact that I’m trying to find them. To remind myself to fucking do it and stop fannying around. Also just maybe it works the other way around and one of them randomly googles their name and this article comes up and gets in touch. The internets a small world really. Ultimatly they may just turn around and tell me to piss off, if so then thats how it goes. I fulfilled my mission

Oh yeah and in other new me and Simon at work got a flat \o/ We’re waiting to get the keys and then we can move in so I won’t be very active online for a while until we get it piped in. Awesome views of Whitehaven harbour, floating vans and all